Rai (lilithsmoon) wrote in askbelldandy,

please help

I have an odd dilemma. Last fall my life seemed to be falling apart. At the beginning of the school year I broke up with my boy friend; while it isn't a big thing now, it seemed to be at the time. A friend of the family committed suicide and I was feeling most depressed. All I wanted to do was sleep, so I wasn't really doing well in any of my classes. I just didn't feel like my life was going any where and I wasn't sure where I belonged.

One night I went out with some of my friends. I only had one drink, so for the most part I think I was fine. But the night was a disaster. We were going to go into a bar and it was five dollars or free with college ID. I left my friends to go get my ID. I realized I was locked out of my car. On top of that my cell phone was locked in my car. I had to ask some random guy to let me use his Cell phone so I could call my dad to ask him to bring me a key. By the time we had that worked out I went to go and find my friends. I found one of them and her boy friend, I explained to them what happened and they seemed to understand. I am not really sure why what happened after this happened. But her boyfriend took off with someone else..and we were to go back to my car and follow them, but they were long gone before we could even get to my car. She started to cry and I waited. But she was avoiding me and slowly I began to feel like a bad guy. I don't know why, but I felt bad. Finally we went to go find him and bring him back. I passed the place at first, which made me feel bad. We picked up her boyfriend and went back to the parking lot to find everyone else.

They got out of the car before I did and as soon as I got out of the car I heard one of my other friends say that she had told them they shouldn't have brought me. I was really hurt by this. Yelled something not very nice at them and drove away. I was upset and I felt like a bad person. I felt bad for leaving my one friend their...but I was too upset to go back. I didn't think that I could go back to my dad's because he would ask me where my friend was. I didn't think I could go back to my mom's because it was late and she would probably get mad at me...she didn't even know I was in town. I felt it would be a bad idea to drive back to school because I didn't think anyone would want to be my friend any more if anyone was my friend in the first place and I didn't think I would be able to handle that. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, the drink, or the upset, but I decided that it might be a good idea if I just killed myself. Not giving it any second thought I crashed my call into a cement wall.

If it weren't for an off duty police officer I would have died, just after I was pulled out of the car it burst into flames. I suffered cuts and bumps and a broken ankle. And as bad as this all seems I think I have come to terms with this all. I am a happier person. I don't want to die and I try to do my best in school. I know that people love me, my family does. But the problem is that I haven't told anyone that I meant to crash my car. My Mom asked me not long after it happened if I did...but I told her no. I really feel like I need to tell someone but I don't know who. I am afraid that my Mom would be angry with me and want me to pay what ever she had to pay for medical bills (insurance got most of the expense) and I know I don't have that money. I don't want to tell my Dad, because he keeps saying that every time he thinks about how close he came to loosing me he cries and I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to tell my sister because she will just run off and tell both my Mom and my dad. And I don't know how my friends would take it. I have thought about asking my Mom to see a therapist, but I don't see how that would help beyond getting it off my chest. What do you think I should do?
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